Ask Dr. Rob: Potpourri

August 1, 2007

The questions just keep rolling in, so I thought I would take the opportunity to answer a bunch of them in one fell swoop. This allows me to accomplish several things:

Clean up my inbox
Do something other than watching Baywatch reruns
Regale my readers with some madcap antics
Make me feel less guilty about not answering questions.

Question 1 (from Angel):

“What piano songs would be appropriate to play for goats and/or llamas?”

This first raises a few questions of its own:

Do you keep livestock in your living room?
If so, how did you get them housebroken?
If you didn’t get them housebroken, how did you lose your sense of smell?
Do you have a piano in your barn?

These issues aside, the question assumes something that is actually a common mistake. Most people assume that goats and/or llamas are fairly uniform in their taste and how they are affected by music. It turns out that llamas are as highly varied in their musical tastes as humans are.

How do I know? From Sonya Fitzpatrick, the Pet Psychic, of course. After watching an incredibly moving episode on a depressed parakeet, I decided to see if I could psychically communicate with animals (since, as you may remember, I am famous for my psychic abilities). It turned out that, while I could not communicate psychically with common pets, there are some to which my psychic abilities are especially tuned: namely goats, llamas, slugs, and anchovies. I am not sure what these animals hold in common, but you have to play with the hand you have been dealt, so I went to seek out an answer for Angel by going straight to the source.

Here is what they told me:

“I am partial to either Rimsky-Korsakov or Dvorak”

“Ooooh….anything by Barry Manilow!”

“Hey! How are you intruding on my thoughts?? If you take one step closer, I am going to bite you! I swear I will…I bit that Sonya lady.”

“John Tesch. I just love John Tesch.”

“Do you fhee da funny way I’m tfisting my mouf? I kind of look like Mick Jagger, don’t I? I can’t get no fatisfakshon!”

“Dude…Definitely Baaahb Marley….heh heh….Farmer Jones has been feeding us some…like… Ganja plants, Mon. Like, ya gotta love that Reggae, Mon.”

anchovie

“I don’t think Angel wants my opinion, but personally I like Phish.”

“It’s that Finnish Accordion guy that I adore. Don’t you play the accordion?”

So there you have it. The tastes of these animals are as varied as can be. So make no assumptions when you play music for your livestock.

Thanks for the question!

Question 2: (From Najib in Africa):

I KNOW THAT THIS MESSAGE WILL COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE. I AM THE BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER IN BANK OF AFRICA (BOA), OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO. I HOPED THAT YOU WILL NOT EXPOSE OR BETRAY THIS TRUST AND CONFIDENT THAT I AM ABOUT TO REPOSE ON YOU FOR THE MUTUAL BENEFIT OF OUR FAMILIES.
I NEED YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE IN TRANSFERRING THE SUM OF (USD$25) MILLION TO YOUR ACCOUNT WITHIN 10 TO 14 BANKING DAYS. THIS MONEY HAS BEEN DORMANT FOR YEARS IN OUR BANK WITHOUT CLAIM. I WANT THE BANK TO RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEAREST PERSON TO OUR DECEASED CUSTOMER (THE OWNER OF THE ACCOUNT) DIED ALONG WITH HIS SUPPOSED NEXT OF KIN IN AN AIR CRASH SINCE JULY, 2000.

First let me say that I am touched that my “Ask Dr. Rob” column has started to reach the people of Africa, especially in the fine country of Burkina Faso. It is nice to know that I am able to add to the lives of people all over the world.

But I have to say that I have no money to invest at this time. As fine of a ~~scheme~~ opportunity this is, my money is all tied up in Nebraska turkey futures.

Thanks for the question. Let me add that there seems to be a lot of this kind of need in Africa. I get a whole lot of these letters. I am not sure why they all think I can help. I must be really important.

Thanks for the question!

Question 3: (From Deanna) “Have you ever wished for a expensive Watch?”

No, I haven’t. But let me ask you the following question:

Have you ever wished for expensive healthcare? I can offer you replica healthcare that looks the same, but is at a fraction of the cost of real healthcare!

Thanks for the question.

Question 4: (From Amanda of cat allergy Fame):

Just what *does* green snot mean? Because my mommy always said it meant infection. Her grandfather was a doctor, so she must be correct.

Your question is vague. Is green snot trying to communicate to you and you just cannot comprehend what it is trying to say? Do you understand the words, but have a hard time getting the connotation behind ambiguous statements green snot is making to you? Perhaps you found green snot on the wall and wonder if this has symbolic meaning.

This is actually a do-it-yourself adenoid removal system.

Let me go down the list for you:

Green snot cannot talk, so it is impossible to get any meaning from it in that sense.
Green snot smeared on the wall has no symbolic meaning; it simply means you are probably out of tissues.
Green snot on your dinner probably means you just had a fight with your spouse.
Green snot on your shirt means you have a child under 3.
Green snot flying at you through the air means you should find other friends.
Green snot coming out of your nose is normal. It happens with most upper respiratory infections.

Here is a hint on one way you can get rid of green snot:

Snot-Rocket