As Dr. Rob: Beat the Heat

August 8, 2007

The next question comes from Mrs. Dr. Rob:

How do I survive these 100-degree days in the southeast? What is the best way to cope with the hot weather?

As you can probably tell, we are going through a miserable time here in Georgia, with the temperatures hitting over 100 and the humidity not far behind. While I can frolic away the hours during the day in air conditioned comfort, she is stuck in a house that is valiantly serving to fight global warming by pumping cool dry air into the hot and humid Georgia summer. The truth is, it would probably be 101 here if it weren’t for our house working so hard to cool things off outdoors.

So what is the best way to deal with the hot weather? First, we need to discuss the effects of the extreme heat on the human body.

Heat and Humans

Mrs. Dr. Rob is definitely a “hot mama.” When I say that, I mean that she actually emanates heat in a portion of the spectrum unseen by the human eye. This makes Dr. Rob say “YOWZA!” when he comes home every day. She is able to do through harmonic oscillations emitted from a gland that is located just above her thymus. This matches with the cosmic vibrations in Dr. Rob’s brain and makes him walk into walls and hum the song “Always and Forever” whenever she is nearby.

easter_pyrex But that is not the type of “hotness” she was referring to when she asked her question. She was referring to a condition that humans undergo called hyperpyrexia. Hyperpyrexia is not to be confused with a condition where people become obsessed with casserole dishes and measuring cups. That is condition is called pyrexomania, and is nearly always fatal, as people end up climbing into a microwave oven just to be close to the objects of their desires. This is very sad. If you have this condition, you should be reading Shrink Rap.

Hyperpyrexia is when the body temperature exceeds 100.5 degrees Fahrenheit (38 Celsius) due to external heat. When a person’s body temperature goes up due to disease or infection, it is known as fever. The seriousness of fever depends on the stage of fever. There are several well-documented stages of fever:

Low-grade fever - a fever under 101. This makes a person somewhat uncomfortable and irritable (much like you feel after the 3 hour delay of a flight). Yet you can function reasonably well with a low-grade fever.

Medium grade fever - a fever from 101 to 103. This generally is accompanied by extreme fatigue and headaches (like a guy feels after 2 hours of shopping). If you have a medium-grade fever, you should rest, drink plenty of fluids, and take Ibuprofen or Acetaminophen.

High-grade fever - 104 and up. With a fever this high, you feel like doo-doo. You don’t want to do anything, go anywhere, but just want to sleep. While fevers this high may mean you have a more serious problem, the fever itself is not harmful to you (seriously). Generally the thing that gets you to the doctor are the symptoms that accompany the fever (sore throat, cough, craving for onions).

Dance Fever (sometimes called Saturday Night Fever). This is associated with the desire to “shake your groove thing” and use the word Bootie a lot more than you normally would. Scientists have yet to locate either the groove thing or the bootie and so are not sure what the consequences of shaking them are.

Cat-Scratch Fever. This makes you want to dress in a loin-cloth and sing badly.

Milwaukee Brewer Fever. This causes you to stamp your feet, clap your hands, and get the sudden urge to see guys dressed up as sausages run around a stadium.

Milwaukee Brewers Fever: Catch It!

Dealing With Heat

So what are you supposed to do in the blistering hot weather in Georgia? Here are some tips on dealing with hot weather:

Offend the Russian government and get yourself sent to Siberia.
Put frozen fish sticks in your underwear. Be aware, if you don’t change them regularly you may end up being arrested for creating a public nuisance.
Pretend you are a health inspector and spend your day inspecting McDonalds’ walk-in freezers.
Dress up in a vegetable suit and hide in the produce section of the grocery store. Enjoy the pleasure of the intermittent cool mist.
Become a Viking and explore Greenland.
Eat lots of onions and garlic, and don’t use deodorant. Will it make you less hot and miserable? No. It will, however, assure that you are alone in your misery.
Move to Milwaukee and get a job dressing as a Sausage (although then you may just catch Milwaukee Brewers Fever).
Spend your whole life inside sitting in front of a computer communicating with other bloggers, losing connection with any other possible social ties you may have.
Taunt children who are playing with hoses and squirt guns.
Dry Ice Colonics.

Of course, my dear Mrs. Dr. Rob is married to a real cool dude, so she just needs to spend more time with him.

If only he would get off of that dang computer.

Thanks for your question!

Send your questions to dr.rob.questions@gmail.com.

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