Ask Dr. Rob: Apocalypse Now

August 8, 2007

Then next question comes from Jerry and Tim:

Are we in the "end times?" What signs should we look for to tell if it really is the "end times?"

Thanks for the very intriguing question, guys. I am always fascinated by the subject of the complete annihilation of all things living. I guess it should be pointed out that I am a doctor of medicine, which means that my main job is preserving and improving its quality. I am not a doctor of human destruction. Although, that would be a pretty good nickname should I decide to become a professional wrestler….

"And in the red corner, hailing from the state of Georgia….Undefeated in 50 matches and feared by all….Dr. Rob, the doctor of human destruction!!!!"

I really like the way that sounds. It’s almost as good as Dr. Stinky Feet!

Sorry, I am wistfully reminiscing about the life I left behind when I went to med school. Sometimes it’s hard not to think about what could have been.

So what about the signs of the time? What about Armageddon? Well, I am not an expert on eschatology, but I can tell you that there are a number of signs that make me feel that the end must be near. Just thinking about them chills me to the bone.

Dr. Rob’s Five Signs the the Apocalypse is Near:

1. Giant Snails Invading

What would you think if your home was overrun by giant mollusks? The people of Barbados had to face the prospect of being taken over by giant snails:

BRIDGETOWN, Barbados Nov 8, 2006 (AP)- Ravenous giant snails that emerge from the ground by night are thriving on the tropical island of Barbados, destroying crops and prompting calls for the government to eliminate them.

A nocturnal survey last weekend found hundreds of thousands of African
snails which are often about the size of a human hand swarming the central parish of St. George, the country’s agricultural heartland, where farmers complained of damage to sugar cane, bananas, papayas and other crops.

"We saw snails riding on each other’s backs and moving in clusters," said
David Walrond, chairman of the local emergency response office that
organized 60 volunteers for the expedition. "You’re just crunching the
shells as you’re walking through."

These are not just ordinary snails, they are ravenous snails. You know how frightening snails get when they get that look on their faces.

2. Hello Kitty

When we think of "cruel and unusual punishment" we think about the electric chair, Chinese water torture, the rack, and other inhumane devices.

Yet the authorities of Thailand have taken it one step further:

Thai police officers who break rules will be forced to wear hot pink armbands featuring "Hello Kitty," the Japanese icon of cute, as a mark of shame, a senior officer said Monday.

Police officers caught littering, parking in a prohibited area, or arriving late ? among other misdemeanors ? will be forced to stay in the division office and wear the armband all day, said Police Col. Pongpat Chayaphan. The officers won’t wear the armband in public.

The striking armband features Hello Kitty sitting atop two hearts.

"Simple warnings no longer work. This new twist is expected to make them feel guilt and shame and prevent them from repeating the offense, no matter how minor," said Pongpat, acting chief of the Crime Suppression Division in Bangkok.

"(Hello) Kitty is a cute icon for young girls. It’s not something macho police officers want covering their biceps," Pongpat said.

He said police caught breaking the law will be subject the same fines and penalties as any other members of the public.

"We want to make sure that we do not condone small offenses," Pongpat said, adding that the CSD believed that getting tough on petty misdemeanors would lead to fewer cases of more serious offenses including abuse of power and mistreatment of the public by police officers.

Oh, the inhumanity of it! I see an enormous and devastating psychological effect of this punishment. It just chills me to think of what evil man can do to his fellow man. Clearly humans have crossed the line here and are tempting divine retribution.

3. Cheese

So what does cheese have to with the apocalypse? Have you forgotten that in the end times people will go completely out of their minds? People will no longer care about their fellow citizens, but instead set their minds on futile things. It seems that one of the main objects of this misguided fascination (dare I say, idolatry?) is Cheese.

Evidence item #1:

Cheddarvision.tv is a website where people watch cheese. Yes, they sit and watch cheese age. So far 1,492,372 people have visited it. Scary.

Evidence item #2:

CheeseOnTour.com is a website where people take pictures of cheese in different places. For example:

This is the northernmost picture of cheese - it is in Norway.

If that is not a sign of Cheese-Idolatry, I don’t know what is. Perhaps if the above picture had people bowing before it.

4. Disappearing Bees

I am sure you have heard about the disappearance of the bees. National Geographic reports the following:

Without a trace, something is causing bees to vanish by the thousands. But a new task force hopes to finger the culprit and save the valuable crops that rely on the insects.

Pennsylvania beekeeper Dave Hackenberg was the first beekeeper to report to bee researchers what’s become known as colony collapse disorder (CCD).

In October Hackenberg had delivered honeybees to a Florida farm to pollinate crops. The bees typically return to their boxed hives when their work is done. But this time was different.

"I came to pick up 400 bee colonies and the bees had just flat-out disappeared," Hackenberg said. "There were no dead bees, no bees on the ground, just empty boxes."

"In almost 50 years as a beekeeper, I’ve never seen anything like it."

CCD has spread throughout 24 states and ruined hundreds of thousands of bee colonies.

Hackenberg has lost roughly 1,900 of his 2,900 hives. Other operators have lost up to 90 percent of their hives.

Researchers are scrambling to find answers to what is causing the commercially important honeybees to abandon their hives and disappear.

So where have all of the bees gone? Do they know something we don’t know? Is this a "Bee Rapture?"

Scientists have discovered that some of the bees have gone to the home of none other than Matthew Danchanko!

Thousands of Bees Won’t Leave Man’s Home

New Owner Finds Thousands of Honeybees Living in Pennsylvania Home

Matthew Danchanko has squatters in his new home. And they won’t leave without a fight. They’re honeybees tens of thousands of of them. They buzz through the four-bedroom house, creating a low hum and an estimated 100 pounds of honey.

Danchanko recently bought the house northeast of Johnstown, Pa. He planned to fix it up and move in. But shortly after he began renovating, the long-time residents of the house made it abundantly clear they had no intention of leaving.

So why would these bees go to Danchanko’s home? If you rearrange the letters of Michael Danchanko’s name, it results in the following:

Ha Ha! Demonic clank.

More than a coincidence? I think it is clear that there are more than just innocent forces at work here. (Coincidentally, it also can spell "Aha! Old Chicken Man," which is another name I’d considered for professional wrestling).

5. Lego Men

This is probably the most disturbing trend I have seen and the clearest indication that the tales of impending doom may be right. We are presently being invaded by giant Lego men!!!

Giant Lego man found in Dutch sea

Tue Aug 7, 11:57 AM ET

A giant, smiling Lego man was fished out of the sea in the Dutch resort of Zandvoort on Tuesday.

Workers at a drinks stall rescued the 2.5-metre (8-foot) tall model with a yellow head and blue torso.

"We saw something bobbing about in the sea and we decided to take it out of the water," said a stall worker. "It was a life-sized Lego toy."

A woman nearby added: "I saw the Lego toy floating towards the beach from the direction of England."

The toy was later placed in front of the drinks stall.

Yes, he seems friendly, but did you know that the words "Giant Lego Man" can be rearranged to say "Mean Gloating" or "Malignant Ego." Clearly he is trying to befriend these innocent children, but as witnessed by his shirt, he can’t even make a decent sentence. These children do not realize their desperate peril.

Of course, the people of the Netherlands think it is great. The children are all flocking to worship the Lego man, chanting the saying on his shirt: "No Real Than You Are" as if it is some sort of prophesy or mantra. There are even children dressing up in Lego Man costumes who serve as the high priests for this depraved cult. They serve this "Malignant Ego" with awe and reverence.

You see where I am going with this, don’t you? First it is the Dutch People, who are all desensitized by their liberal attitudes towards drugs and alternative cultures. Next it becomes the leading religion across Europe (although the French will probably claim they were the first to find it). In a short while, the cult of the Lego Man will be turning the hearts and minds of all of our children away from the truth and instead toward its "Mean Gloating."

Conclusion

Why is nobody getting the message out? The forces of evil know that the only news agency with enough guts to carry such a story was the Weekly World News. As you probably have heard, "coincidentally" this publication is going out of business.

The war will be waged on many fronts. What begins as the innocent crunching of snails under our feet will end in world domination by a Giant Lego Man god that will lead us to Armageddon. While I am not really the Doctor of Human Destruction, I am wise enough to heed the signs.

Unfortunately I have no time to do anything about all of this. I’m too busy watching that cheese on the web. Just waiting for it to move or something. Dang, it just keeps sitting there….

Thanks for your question!

Don’t forget to send your questions to dr.rob.questions@gmail.com.

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Posted in Ask Dr. Rob, Humor