Ask Dr. Rob: Pax Saliva

September 17, 2007

OK, time to get back to answering your questions (after a brief hiatus to be somewhat serious). Some of the readers of my regular blog may not realize that I am now also answering questions for the publication Offsprung, a parenting website like no other. Obviously it is off of the mainstream, if you consider that they asked me to contribute!

Anyhow, the next question comes from one of my Offsprung pals Matthew, who asks:

Sometimes, when I’m at the store with my son, he’ll drop his pacifier on the floor and I won’t have any baby wipes to clean it off with. If he’s getting fussy and needs the pacifier after that, I just put it in my mouth first, the thinking being that I’m giving the dirty germs to my stronger immune system and also cleaning it with my magic dad-spit. Is that totally crazy or only a little crazy?

Wow. Matthew pitched me a fat pitch on that one. Babies, spits, germs, and magic all in one question. Man, I could not have thought up a better question if I had just made it up myself (not that I would ever do such a thing).

Today I feel like the luckiest man alive. Perhaps wishing on a star really does make your dreams come true! Sigh!

Give Pacifiers a Chance

So let’s start with the subject of pacifiers. They are, in fact, the greatest invention of all time. Think about it, what other invention adds so much to our world? Here is a list of the contributions pacifiers make:

• Employing millions in the pacifier-making industry
• Causing babies to suck happily in bliss. They then grow up happy and well-adjusted. Studies show that nearly all psychopathic axe-murderers, terrorists, and political talk-show hosts did not use pacifiers as infants. Think about what the world would be like if they did.
• Giving blissful sleep at night for parents who would be otherwise up with their screaming future terrorists. These parents are much more productive during the day and have a much higher likelihood of discovering a cure for a horrible scourge on humanity like cancer, heart disease, and Montel Williams.
• Causing drivers to stay focused on the road instead of looking back at their screaming tyrant and rear-ending a guy with an NRA bumper sticker. Yes, folks, this is a recipe for disaster.
• Allow parents to go to the store with their young child without fear that the child’s cries will result in evil glares of judgment from other patrons of the store. You know what I mean, those people who look at you with your crying 6-Month old and whisper under their breath, If only I was that child’s parent, I’d teach them how to respect authority and pledge to the flag. Instead, that kid has the worst parents I have ever seen. Maybe I should run to the car and get my gun and just end it all here. Yeah, I’m sure you have heard it as much as I have. Well, pacifiers (especially ones coated with Xanax) keep that judgmental nimrod’s attention where it should be: searching for the deep-fried pork rinds.

I would suggest that a good strategy for president Bush would be to drop millions of pacifiers on the countries of Iraq and Afghanistan rather than spend so much time playing Where in the World is Osama San Diego? Clearly this is what these countries need.

Baby Scientists

So why does Matthew’s baby constantly drop his pacifier on the ground? It seems that such a valuable object would be clung to with resolve, rather than be treated as an object of disdain. Well, Matthew, your son is actually conducting very important scientific experiments.

You see, we all take gravity for granted. We all assume that "what goes up must come down." We assume it for two reasons: the first is because Sir Isaac Newton showed us all that this was the case when he threw an apple at fellow scientist Sir Joseph Fig. They of course, were later to be the inventors of the popular tasty treat, the Lorna Doone.

The second reason we believe in gravity is because of the famous song by Blood, Sweat, and Tears: Spinning Wheel. It is a song that is impossible to get out of your head once you have heard it. This is a scientific fact. One man, Arthur Ziponsky of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, holds the record by having this song running through his head for 16 Years, only to stop having Spinning Wheel running through his head when it was replaced with the annoying theme song from NPR’s All things Considered.

The lyrics of Spinning Wheel go like this:

What goes up must come down
Spinnin’ wheel got to go ’round
Talkin’ ’bout your troubles it’s a cryin’ sin
Ride a painted pony let the spinnin’ wheel spin

You got no money and you got no home
Spinnin’ wheel all alone
Talkin’ ’bout your troubles and you never learn
Ride a painted pony let the spinnin’ wheel turn

These lyrics, of course, make absolutely no sense, yet through implantation in the human brain, they have convinced us that gravity is in fact a law, and not a suggestion. Babies, however, have not been so influenced by this song and are therefore not brainwashed to believe that gravity is anything more than a decent idea to do if it is your thing.

They are, in fact, constantly testing gravity by throwing objects on the ground. Many adults mistakenly believe that these children are simply impishly curious, but in reality they are trying to find a chink in the armor of the law of gravity. Through telepathic communication with other babies, they are searching for that one object that falls up instead of down. Once found, they will use this to power a spacecraft on intergalactic to the planet Xenor IV, which legends say is a land flowing with milk and Huggies.

Babies are also conducting experiments on their parents. They are bent on turning adults into their slaves who will build the spaceship needed to get to Xenor IV. So they are conducting behavior modification experiments on adults by throwing things, speaking gibberish (with subliminal instructions), and peeing or throwing up on them. All of these actions are geared toward modifying adult behavior and obtaining their final goal of fleeing Earth.

Spit and Span

So what of the Magic Daddy-Spit you speak of? Well, I hate to break the news to you, but you are way off base on this one.

Not only is Daddy-Spit not magic, it is actually more dangerous to babies than sulfuric acid. You see, your spit contains germs. These germs are extremely happy in your mouth. They like the neighborhood, talking to the teeth every morning, using the tongue as a trampoline, and using your uvula as a punching bag. These are very happy germs.

They are so happy in your mouth, in fact, that getting out of your mouth makes them furious. They no longer can kick up their heels on your bicuspids, but instead have to get a realtor and find a new place to live. They get real mad at anyone they come in contact with, thinking that they have forcibly evicted them from their suburban paradise and so wreak havoc. These otherwise innocuous germs transform themselves into the "Seed of Satan" and make all others terribly ill.

This fact is not lost on our government, who is trying to develop an "spit bomb" as a form of biological warfare. They have poured billions of dollars into a program to find ways to propel angry spit germs at the enemy. This, of course, is a waste of money, as a much simpler and cheaper solution would be to get an army of 4th grade boys to shoot spit-balls at the enemy. This is truly one of the least-appreciated forms of weaponry that is available in unending amounts.

No, instead of licking off the pacifier, you would probably be better served to find a trash can and wipe the pacifier off on the rotting banana peels. Or you could find a stray dog and have them lick off the pacifier. Or get a passing llama to spit on it. But whatever you do DO NOT PUT YOUR SPIT ON YOUR BABY’S PACIFIER. IT IS NOT MAGIC, IT IS A SLURRY OF TOXINS WAITING TO POISON YOUR SON!

So, to answer your last question, it is not just a little crazy, it is TOTALLY NUTS.

Thanks for the question!

Don’t forget to send other questions to dr.rob.questions@gmail.com

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Posted in Ask Dr. Rob, Humor