Ask Dr Rob: Don’t tempt the gods

October 11, 2007

OK, it is time to get serious again. It has been a long time since my last “Ask Dr. Rob” post. I know that you all are tired of the serious drivel I have been spewing out over the past few days and so want higher intellectual content.

Your wish is granted.

Bruce asks me the following question:

I came to your site from Dr. Kevin, and the first thing I noticed was your invitation to ask a question, then today’s rant, which was very well said. Good coincidence, because I was ranting to my wife just this morning, following the realization at 4 am that I was coming down with a cold and she was not.

I work outside, and also exercise a lot. My total cholesterol is 119, my pulse is low, and so is my blood pressure. Despite being 66, I am muscular and my BMI is fine. I work solo, so I don’t often come in contact with people.

My wife tries to exercise, but her arthritis interferes, so her BMI is a little high, and she is out of shape. She has her family’s high blood pressure and high cholesterol both. She is a greeter in her church, so she meets lots of people and shakes their hands.

So how come, invariably, I get the cold first and she either skips it, or gets a milder version. Life is not fair! This doesn’t see right, somehow.

OK, Bruce, this is a very good question. Yet let me make an observation. Dr. Rob has Attention Deficit Disorder - that is why the blog is called “Musings of a Distractible Mind;” this means it took me about 10 read-throughs to get to the actual question. I actually had to run to Starbucks and get a double espresso before I could comprehend it. I need shorter questions.

So the gist of your question is this:

You are a specimen of health who stays away from human contact, and your wife is friendly and yet unhealthy. You get sick and she doesn’t, yet you complain about it.

Hmmm…..

How long have you been married? Don’t worry, I won’t supply your e-mail address so that your wife finds out that you secretly want her to get sick. You see, of all the messages I have learned, the most important one is this:

Don’t tempt the gods.

You, my friend, are a walking god-tempter. You might just as well put a giant bulls-eye on your back. You might just as well wear a shirt that says “lightning, please strike here.” It is surprising to me that your computer did not shock you in the hands while you were typing your question!

Let me explain:

Thor - God of Lightning

Thor, the son of Odin, is the Norse god of war for the Vikings. The Vikings lived in the very cold northern parts of Europe way back when men were men, women were women, ruthless pillaging was ruthless pillaging, and plagues were plagues.

As you can see from the picture, Thor was quite buff. He lifted weights and is felt to also be the god of anabolic steroids. The bottom line for Thor is that he had no patience for wimps. He expects all men to use war hammers and battle axes whenever they want to solve a problem. Hence, he is really frustrated these days.

So while you are trying to emulate him in buffness, you are calling down his anger if you whine and wimp around about being sick. He expects you to find whatever virus is bothering you and slam it with a hammer. If you persist, he will probably allow your home to be ruthlessly pillaged by barbarians - or at least your taxes may be audited.

Isis - Goddess of Wives and Mothers

Isis was the most powerful goddess of ancient Egypt. She was married to Ra, the god of the sun.

It is not easy to be married to the sun god. She had to use SPF-2,000,000 sunblock just to sit with him for dinner. This is thought to be why she is considered the goddess of wives who have difficult husbands. Ra was a royal pain in the neck. He had the head of a falcon, and so would wound her every time he snuck up from behind her to kiss her neck.

She has very little patience with difficult husbands, and often uses her powers to cause trouble to husbands she finds particularly troublesome. She will mysteriously make the toilet seat go up even when he put it down. She makes husbands mysteriously not ask for directions when they are totally lost - putting a spell of confusion on their otherwise clear-thinking minds.

Don’t tempt Isis by being a pain to your wife.

Apollo - God of Medicine

According to Wikipedia, Apollo is “the archer-god of medicine and healing, light, truth, archery and also a bringer of death-dealing plague.”

Yes, he is the god of my profession, and he carries a bow and arrow. You tick him off, and you can get stung in many ways. It seems really possible that since your wife is sick often, she has a high opinion of physicians (which is a wise thing to do, in my opinion). You, on the other hand, with your “excellent health,” probably feel that doctors are a luxury item. Something to be used by the weak and the frail. Well Apollo does not take such an attitude lightly. The whole plague problem of the middle ages happened because of some cocky gladiators getting Apollo real ticked off.

You should be glad that he has only chosen to make you get colds. If you start getting symptoms of the plague, you know you have stepped too far.

Sean Penn

Technically, Sean is not a god. Yet he certainly is a great actor, having won an Academy award, which really raises him to demi-god status. Plus, he is a celebrity, and that makes his opinion really really important and much more accurate than the opinions of people like you. Here are some of the amazing quotes from Mr. Penn:

I like to believe that love is a reciprocal thing, that it can’t really be felt, truly, by one.

I love acting, truly my favorite people are actors.

I think life’s an irrational obsession.

I think we all have light and dark inside us.

I’m a little bit computer illiterate.

I’m not a breakfast eater.

Love is a mess, at best, and I figure it can be very real in spite of all the things people try to attach to it.

Marriage ain’t easy, but it’s great most of the time.

Oh, I’m a big-mouth. I said a lot of things.

So, if you’re an artist who is in it just for the money, I would be against you.

There is no re-inventing the wheel.

There’s not a lot of good movies being made.

Yeah, I had a tremendous time shooting in Nebraska. I like that state a lot, all over it.

You see, this guy is truly god-like in his insight. I was not aware that he was the one who came up with the re-inventing the wheel quote. Wow. I wish I could go all over Nebraska. Do you suppose he has been to Belvedere?

Now, you must understand that he loves to voice his opinion about things and do radical things like visiting Iran or Venezuela, so he may just do some intervening if he catches wind of your situation. I suspect he may actually have already met with your wife and people at your gym and has voiced his strong opposition to your treatment of your wife.

Be careful. You don’t want to get on the wrong side of a Hollywood actor.

Wonder Twins

As you probably know, the Wonder Twins (Zan and Jayna) are from the planet Exxor and have amazing powers. They make these powers active by putting their fists together and saying “Wonder Twin powers, activate!” From Wikipedia:

• Zan can transform into any form of water, including liquid, mist, steam, or, perhaps most usefully, any kind of functioning ice structure. Also, at one time, he changed into a gelatinous form. By combining with already-existing water, Zan could also increase his mass or volume in the water form chosen. In addition, he could transform himself into weather patterns involving water, such as a blizzard, a monsoon, or a typhoon.
• Jayna can transform into any animal, whether real, mythological, indigenous to Earth or to some other planet, like Beast Boy. She did need to know the name of the animal in order to assume its form, as she would turn into whatever animal she named.

Don’t forget that they also have a pet space Monkey called Gleek, through which they could form a connection (kind of like a monkey extension cord).

So what can they do? Well, I would say that these twins could cause great trouble if your wife should call their powers. For instance, Zan could become some Gatorade, while Jayna could become a deadly virus inhabiting the Gatorade, causing you to become violently ill. Or Zan could become a hammer made of ice, while Jayna becomes an enormous infant that uses you has her busy-box.

Frightening. Truly frightening.

The Big Guy

One other thing you mention makes me really worried about your near future. You say, “She is a greeter in her church, so she meets lots of people and shakes their hands.” So, your wife is a greeter in church and doesn’t get sick. You, on the other hand, don’t greet, don’t shake hands, and pretty much avoid contact with anyone at church so that you can stay so healthy.

Well, I suspect this is not a coincidence.

You really don’t want the Big Guy to get mad at you.

See the (Electric) Light

So, Bruce, you are really playing with things much bigger than you could ever know. Be careful with your pronouncements. You just never know who may catch wind of your statements and bring down a heavy hand.

So, in closing let me share with you the deep thoughts of those famous sages, the Electric Light Orchestra:

You got me running
going out of my mind

You got me thinking me
that I’m wasting my time

Don’t bring me down
No, no, no, no, no, ooh ooh
I’ll tell you once more
before I get off the floor
Don’t bring me down

You want to stay out
with your fancy friends
I’m telling you it’s
gotta be the end

Don’t bring me down, Bruce
Don’t bring me down, Bruce
Don’t bring me down, Bruce
Don’t bring me down

What happened to the girl I used to know
You let your mind out somewhere down the road

You’re always talkin’ ’bout your crazy nights
One of these days you’re gonna get it right

You’re looking good just like a snake in the grass
One of these days you’re gonna break your glass

Don’t bring me down
No no, no no, no no, no no, no, ooh ooh
I’ll tell you once more before I get off the floor
Don’t bring me down

You got me shaking, got me running away
You got me crawling up to you every day

{Refrain}

Down, down, down, down, down
I’ll tell you once more before I get off the floor
Don’t bring me down
{Thud}

Thanks for the question, Bruce.

(4 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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Posted in Ask Dr. Rob