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A good blogging buddy who was a pediatrician went by the name “Flea,” as it is a doctor of those who are very small in size. It is in honor of him that I have named this post. He is still missed.

This week’s question comes from another Offsprung reader:

Dear Dr. Rob:

I love your column on Offsprung. I’m 6 months pregnant with my first
child, and I have to choose a pediatrician in the next few weeks.
I found a candidate through my lovely GP, but I don’t know what to
ask. The only questions I can think of so far are: “How do you feel
about antibiotics?” “What is your policy on vaccinations?” and “Do you
think that mustache makes you look more trustworthy?”
What sorts of questions do you welcome from new parents, and which
ones make you cringe?

Thanks a million,
Nervous new mom

That is a great question for two reasons:

1. It is really something people need to know
2. I have a mustache
3. I don’t keep track of numbers well

So How do you choose a doctor? Fortunately for you, I have made a handy flowsheet you can follow (You can click on it to see a much smaller image – I don’t know why, but that is what it does).

How to Choose a Pediatrician:

These are general guidelines, but definitely ones you can trust. There are other things you should consider when choosing a pediatrician:

1. Do they have kids of their own? You are far more confident at raising children before you actually have them. You know for a fact that you could get that toddler to stop screaming in Wal-Mart. You have no such illusion after having children.
2. Do they have after-hours clinic? Kids rarely get sick on a schedule, and it is important to be able to get your child seen on a day’s notice if needed. No pediatrician’s office should make a sick child wait to be seen (you may have to wait in the office).
3. Do they see both adults and children? This may be good, it may be bad. I see both and it gives me a unique perspective, yet others prefer to have a pediatric “specialist.” The most important thing a doctor can have is humility. You need to know what you don’t know. You need to know when you need help and get it. Confidence is OK, but overconfidence kills.
4. If the doctor is a mutant, make sure he doesn’t have hands that turn to blades. This could really cause trouble with the physical exam.
5. When you walk into the office, look around for clues to the nature of the practice. If there is barbed wire and guard dogs, you may have stepped into a prison instead of a doctor’s office.
6. If people are translucent, then you may be in a holographic office. I don’t recommend those. They never really touch their patients.
7. If you notice a red glow coming out of their eyes, then they may actually be robots or cyborgs. It is hard to say if this is good or bad, as they may be smarter than humans and better doctors. Still, my experience is that eventually they will be bent on taking over the world and using our planet as a launching point for further galactic domination.
8. The real most important thing is that a doctor understands that it is OK for their patients to worry about things. Our job is to reassure people that things are OK. We do that by showing concern over the problems they have and take them seriously. Any doctor who does not take their patient seriously is in the wrong profession. If you talk to the doctor and don’t feel like they are trying to empathize with you, then be very wary.
9. Avoid doctors who blog. They spend all of their time typing, and none with their patients. Make sure your doctor is board certified (or if fresh out of residency, at least board eligible)
10. Doctors should not engage in hand to hand combat with their staff. If you see the staff wearing flack jackets and with grenade launchers, this should be a warning sign to you that there are strained relations between the staff and the doctor. Another clue is when the receptionist screams “Run away as fast as you can if you value your baby’s life!” then it is probably a bad situation.

So what are bad questions to ask? Here are some examples:

• Are you as dumb as you look?
• Do you know how to use a flame thrower?
• What is the capital of Uzbekistan?
• A train left Chicago going 60 miles an hour, and another left New York going 70 miles an hour; where did they meet, and what are they serving in the dining car for dinner on Tuesday?
• Mind if I smoke?
• Do you like llamas?
• Do you come here often?
• Just why are panda bears so gosh-darn cute?

These questions make me cringe every time I hear them.

There are many other things I could bring up, but you would get terribly bored by them. Suffice it to say that this is one of the biggest decisions you can make, and you need to get the best information you can.

That is why you shouldn’t be asking some goofball on the internet, but instead going to a more reliable source…. like a magic 8-ball.

Thanks for the question. Don’t forget to send your questions to dr.rob.questions@gmail.com

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