Comments on: Getting in a good word http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/ Thoughts of a moderately strange (yet not harmful) primary care physician. Sun, 01 Aug 2010 02:44:35 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Chrys http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/comment-page-1/#comment-2613 Chrys Wed, 24 Sep 2008 10:44:26 +0000 http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/#comment-2613 Just as children know those trophies are bogus, they also know when they are truly loved. The best thing you can do is just love them as you try to prepare them for the world. Mistakes will always be made; parents are human, but your children will understand that as they grow. What they will carry with them is the fact that they were loved. They will know mom/dad loved them. That makes them feel worthy. I feel for the children that have to learn they are still worthy, despite parents that brought them into the world -when they didn't want the job. Great post, Rob. Just as children know those trophies are bogus, they also know when they are truly loved. The best thing you can do is just love them as you try to prepare them for the world. Mistakes will always be made; parents are human, but your children will understand that as they grow. What they will carry with them is the fact that they were loved. They will know mom/dad loved them. That makes them feel worthy. I feel for the children that have to learn they are still worthy, despite parents that brought them into the world -when they didn’t want the job.

Great post, Rob.

]]> By: Robert http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/comment-page-1/#comment-2597 Robert Wed, 24 Sep 2008 01:01:52 +0000 http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/#comment-2597 good post & great website, Dr. Rob - i'm honored to have bumped into your blog! good post & great website, Dr. Rob -
i’m honored to have bumped into your blog!

]]> By: NNC http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/comment-page-1/#comment-2591 NNC Tue, 23 Sep 2008 21:29:29 +0000 http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/#comment-2591 Brilliantly written post and a commendable thing to strive towards!! I have realized something only in later years (of being on the "child" end not the "parent" end...yet) that there can be danger in overanxious parents. Some parents fear so much that their children will be disappointed (in themselves, whatever) that they push really hard to make sure everything is done on time, grades are good, all activities are optimized. These are usually the most well-meaning, loving parents out there. I held onto a lot of bitterness and anger for a long time, feeling as though that pushing was a way of saying I wasn't good enough as I was. Maybe a couple of years ago, I had a revelation. They didn't push because they felt I was inadequate, but rather they pushed because they feared that if I wasn't "the best" at what I was doing, I would be disappointed in myself for not trying hard enough. It's hard to explain - but I've been able to realize over the years that they truly did (and still do) have my best interests at heart. It is really really tough being a parent - living with the constant fear and guilt that you are perpetually causing harm or danger. I think an important thing to pick up on (as important as the neglectful or unappreciative parents) is the overanxious parent, depending on what direction that is taking the child's upbringing. My brother and I turned out fine. We truly had wonderful childhoods. I am very VERY close to my parents, and I am so grateful for how they raised us. But some of my own deep feelings of unhappiness and self-dislike come from that feeling of being pushed to be constantly productive and "the best" at everything. That I have to change to be liked by others, not that I should just not pay mind to those who don't like me for who I am. You caught it there by putting "overachievement" with drugs and sex. But it was never a lack of faith in me or a lack of total and complete love. It was always out of love that they acted, and out of fear for my unhappiness and disappointment in myself. How you teach someone not to worry so much about those things, I have no idea. Parents like this are very well-meaning in many ways. I guess it's only by looking at the amount of stress, pressure, and the health effects of these things in the "child" that you can truly see it sometimes. Our family doctor used to comment on it frequently, that I was under too much stress for such a young age, but I didn't know any better. I only knew one way of living, and that was to push everything to the absolute max. Beautifully written post! Brilliantly written post and a commendable thing to strive towards!! I have realized something only in later years (of being on the “child” end not the “parent” end…yet) that there can be danger in overanxious parents. Some parents fear so much that their children will be disappointed (in themselves, whatever) that they push really hard to make sure everything is done on time, grades are good, all activities are optimized.

These are usually the most well-meaning, loving parents out there. I held onto a lot of bitterness and anger for a long time, feeling as though that pushing was a way of saying I wasn’t good enough as I was. Maybe a couple of years ago, I had a revelation. They didn’t push because they felt I was inadequate, but rather they pushed because they feared that if I wasn’t “the best” at what I was doing, I would be disappointed in myself for not trying hard enough. It’s hard to explain – but I’ve been able to realize over the years that they truly did (and still do) have my best interests at heart.

It is really really tough being a parent – living with the constant fear and guilt that you are perpetually causing harm or danger. I think an important thing to pick up on (as important as the neglectful or unappreciative parents) is the overanxious parent, depending on what direction that is taking the child’s upbringing.

My brother and I turned out fine. We truly had wonderful childhoods. I am very VERY close to my parents, and I am so grateful for how they raised us. But some of my own deep feelings of unhappiness and self-dislike come from that feeling of being pushed to be constantly productive and “the best” at everything. That I have to change to be liked by others, not that I should just not pay mind to those who don’t like me for who I am. You caught it there by putting “overachievement” with drugs and sex. But it was never a lack of faith in me or a lack of total and complete love.

It was always out of love that they acted, and out of fear for my unhappiness and disappointment in myself. How you teach someone not to worry so much about those things, I have no idea. Parents like this are very well-meaning in many ways. I guess it’s only by looking at the amount of stress, pressure, and the health effects of these things in the “child” that you can truly see it sometimes. Our family doctor used to comment on it frequently, that I was under too much stress for such a young age, but I didn’t know any better. I only knew one way of living, and that was to push everything to the absolute max.

Beautifully written post!

]]> By: Bronnie http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/comment-page-1/#comment-2584 Bronnie Tue, 23 Sep 2008 19:18:26 +0000 http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/#comment-2584 I spent a long time feeling guilty that I wasn't a 'good enough' parent. Thankfully someone told me that I only have to be a 'good enough' parent!! My kids are stunning individuals, which means they're individuals and not clones of me, and that also means they'll decide for themselves what they will and won't do and it's not a reflection on me! It's great that you model positive interactions with kids to the parents of the kids you see - would that more teachers, grandparents, caregivers in creches and so on would learn that too. I spent a long time feeling guilty that I wasn’t a ‘good enough’ parent. Thankfully someone told me that I only have to be a ‘good enough’ parent!! My kids are stunning individuals, which means they’re individuals and not clones of me, and that also means they’ll decide for themselves what they will and won’t do and it’s not a reflection on me! It’s great that you model positive interactions with kids to the parents of the kids you see – would that more teachers, grandparents, caregivers in creches and so on would learn that too.

]]> By: Lola Snow http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/comment-page-1/#comment-2581 Lola Snow Tue, 23 Sep 2008 13:57:45 +0000 http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/#comment-2581 This is a brilliant post. <- Those words don't quite reflect the praise I'd like to convey (with regards to the approach or the attitude), but I didn't want to sound too sycophantic! Perhaps I just identified with this quite heavily today, but that said, it doesn't detract from the writing. Well said. Lola This is a brilliant post. <- Those words don’t quite reflect the praise I’d like to convey (with regards to the approach or the attitude), but I didn’t want to sound too sycophantic! Perhaps I just identified with this quite heavily today, but that said, it doesn’t detract from the writing. Well said.
Lola

]]> By: Rob http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/comment-page-1/#comment-2579 Rob Tue, 23 Sep 2008 13:26:55 +0000 http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/#comment-2579 You miss the point, Frank. My words are far more directed at the parents. Parents who ignore or berate their kids do lots of harm. They are less likely to do so if they appreciate the value of the kid. In short, a good upbringing beats a bad one. Your teacher was good for you because they felt you were worth the time. Many parents are too busy with their portfolio or fantasy league to pay much attention. My job is to elevate the kid in the eyes of the parent. You miss the point, Frank. My words are far more directed at the parents. Parents who ignore or berate their kids do lots of harm. They are less likely to do so if they appreciate the value of the kid. In short, a good upbringing beats a bad one. Your teacher was good for you because they felt you were worth the time. Many parents are too busy with their portfolio or fantasy league to pay much attention. My job is to elevate the kid in the eyes of the parent.

]]> By: Frank Drackman http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/comment-page-1/#comment-2578 Frank Drackman Tue, 23 Sep 2008 13:21:58 +0000 http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/#comment-2578 I dont think the problem is kids are getting too little encouragement and praise, quite the opposite. Kids aren't stupid, they realize that participation trophy everyone in Little League gets just for showing up is worthless, sort of like that Kindergarten Diploma. Best Teacher I ever had was 7th grade Math who told me I was a lazy dumbass, Cruel? perhaps, but he was right. I dont think the problem is kids are getting too little encouragement and praise, quite the opposite. Kids aren’t stupid, they realize that participation trophy everyone in Little League gets just for showing up is worthless, sort of like that Kindergarten Diploma. Best Teacher I ever had was 7th grade Math who told me I was a lazy dumbass, Cruel? perhaps, but he was right.

]]> By: tiffany http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/comment-page-1/#comment-2576 tiffany Tue, 23 Sep 2008 11:17:30 +0000 http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/#comment-2576 This was a great post Dr Rob! Even when I am disciplining my kids, I try to emphasise their good points. This was a great post Dr Rob!
Even when I am disciplining my kids, I try to emphasise their good points.

]]> By: Judy http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/comment-page-1/#comment-2569 Judy Mon, 22 Sep 2008 23:50:08 +0000 http://distractible.org/2008/09/22/getting-in-a-good-word/#comment-2569 I bet kids never try to avoid going to the doctor if they're going to be seeing you! I hope your words are taken to heart by the kids and parents. I bet kids never try to avoid going to the doctor if they’re going to be seeing you! I hope your words are taken to heart by the kids and parents.

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