When Someone Around You Hurts

November 16, 2008

In a previous post, I spoke about people dealing with hardship.  As a physician I see people on a daily basis going through terrible things.  Some of the trouble is physical, some emotional.  Some of the troubles are self-inflicted, while others are just “really bad luck.”

While it is obviously hard for the person going through the difficult time, it is also hard for the people surrounding that person.  People don’t quite know what to do when someone they care for is down.  Unfortunately, this discomfort on the friends/family’s part causes the suffering person to become even more isolated.  I have seen this far too many times.

In response to this, I thought it would be good to give some advice as to how you can most help those in pain.  I am an expert only in that I have seen it thousands of times, done both well and badly.  I have seen loved ones be an incredible help, and I have seen them cause immense harm.  This experience at least gives me grounds to give advice.

1. Be There -  I was in the mountains of California a few weeks back.  I was there at a meeting and was there with another person from my office.  We took some time on the last day to drive through the mountains and enjoy the scenery.  As I enjoyed a particularly beautiful view, I remarked to him about how different it is to enjoy that kind of thing with someone else there.  There is something about beauty that makes you want to share it.  It validates your emotion.  It doesn’t make the mountain more beautiful, it is better simply because the person is there.  The closer you are to the person, the more the enjoyment.  I kept thinking to myself: “I sure wish my wife was here.”

The same thing is true for people going through difficult times.  Dealing with hardship is much easier when you have people alongside you.  I do that for many people on a professional basis - much of what I do is not to cure or diagnose, it is to live through the difficult times with my patients.  But the closer the companion, the more meaningful the companionship.  You don’t make the pain any less when you are with someone who suffers, but somehow your being there makes it different.  Could my coworker have done something to make the mountains more beautiful?  He didn’t need to.  In the same way, your job is not to make the pain any less, it is simply to be there.

2.  The person suffering doesn’t usually want to be a burden - One of the the things I think our society gets wrong is this idea that you should never be a burden on anyone.  We assume those around “have their own problems to deal with.”  I think that the definition of relationship is the willingness to take on another’s burden.  Do I resent the time my kids take me?  No, I am their father, so I expect them to be a “burden” - and I bear it gladly.

Yet you must remember that people in great need of help often feel like they are putting you out do ask for it.  Make sure you communicate clearly that you want to be a help, taking up part of their load.  I would be mad if my family didn’t ask me for help if they were really suffering- even if it was really intrusive to my daily routine.  Again, that help may be no more than companionship, but don’t interpret their silence as meaning they don’t want something of you.  And remember that they may truly be a burden on you at times.  This is what you sign up for when you are in a relationship with someone.

3.  Your main role is not to fix things. There are problems that you may be able to help your loved one with, but there are others that you can’t.  Don’t think that the person who is suffering is looking to you to fix their problems.  The words compassion and sympathy convey from their word roots the image of being alongside someone and sharing in emotion (compassion) and pain (sympathy).  For you to take on some of their emotion and their suffering is a sign that you care.  The biblical encouragement to Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15) is right on the spot.

4.  Be normal - One of the desires of people in bad situations is for things to go back to normal.  While there is often little chance of that, a degree of normality can be found in relationships.  Joking around and talking about the “mundane” things isn’t always bad.  The person doesn’t have to be constantly reminded about their bad situation.  Distractions can be good.

There may be times when they push back and don’t want to go to a movie, watch a game, work in the garden, or even go for a walk, but simply offering is a sign of relationship.  For the person suffering emotional problems (depression, anxiety, grief), the task may be harder but it is really important.  When someone gets depressed, the depression tends to swallow up the rest of their life.  The tendency is to turn in and only see the world as it relates to you.  Friends and families really help when they interact in a way that draws the person from their self-absorption.

5.  Don’t judge - One of the worst things that can happen to people who are suffering is for a loved one to criticize the way they are reacting to their circumstance.  Some people seem to think that “helping” someone means to tell the other person how to do things right.  It is terribly presumptuous for someone to say that they really know what the other is going through.  I had a patient who was grieving the death of her teenage son be permanently emotionally wounded by those around her trying to tell her when it was “time to get over it.”  These people went to the degree of scolding her for feeling terrible pain six months after her son’s death.  I was appalled.  It is OK to give advice - I do that all the time as a doctor - but make sure it is done in a gentle way.  Always assume you don’t know what the person is going through.

6.  Be patient - You are often dealing with a confused and broken person.  They won’t always be rational or make sense.  They are in a situation they have never been in before and so may not know how to act.  Have understanding.  The thing that is most needed is loyalty.  This means that you accept the person despite their flaws - even when their behavior that may make you want to run and take cover.  A lot of the time the person realizes when they have been irrational or unreasonable - this will make your help even more meaningful.

7.  Give space, but not too much - When you boil it down, there is only one person who can’t escape the bad situation.  As a friend and family member, you have other parts of your life that don’t involve that person.  You do need to be sensitive to that fact and let them work things out alone.  But don’t let that space grow too large.  In general, it is better to have to reject help than to never have it offered.  Respect their right to refuse your help, but don’t stop offering.  The loneliness of suffering can be overwhelming.  You can leave someone alone at times, but you should never let your loved one be lonely.  This is probably the main task you can perform.

8.  Don’t assume you will give more than you get - It is inspiring to see some people go through suffering.  The way that they carry themselves it such difficulty is an example I hope I could follow.  The person who is suffering - even the person who is dealing with emotional pain - is very much able to give and to teach.  You are not in a superior position; you are just not bearing the brunt of the pain.  Expect to learn a lot when you help someone through tough times.

That’s all I can think of at this time.  My advice is nothing more than the voice of experienced, and it is certainly not always true in all circumstances.  It is never straightforward.  There is no avice that will make it easy; but maybe it can make it easier.  To a great extent, we are most human when we are suffering.  In the same way, meaningful relationships are forged in the heat of hardship.  Going through the dark valleys with someone makes the mountains all the more beautiful.

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Posted in Personal Musings