Perilous Parenting

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A lot of the work I do as a pediatrician involves undoing the damage done by others. Parents are assaulted constantly by barbs thrown from people who either are ignorant or should know better. Many of these are even thrown by my colleagues. It’s hard enough to have these independent little critters running around as your living report cards; having clueless or mean-spirited people doing the grading can cause serious mental harm.

If you are a parent, you’ve been on the receiving end of this and have undoubtedly developed related insecurities. If you are not a parent, you are probably thinking and saying really dumb things about other people’s kids. If you are a parent and are thinking and saying these things, then you either have a very bad memory, or you are evil.

Don’t believe me? Here are some examples of what parents face:

1. Fear of Looking Stupid

Jimmy has been sick for five days. His fevers have gone over 103 and he’s looked like a wet-rag at times. His cough is keeping him up all night. But stepping into the exam room of the doctor causes a supernatural change in the child. He not only stops having a fever, but the cough suddenly vanishes and the child smiles and is playful. It happens all the time.

At home, parents of sick kids are caught between two worries: either they are overreacting to a minor problem, or they are endangering their child by not seeking help soon enough. It’s really hard to know when a kid is “sick enough” to bring to the doctor. Either extreme can make the parent feel stupid.

Some doctors make matters worse by telling the parents: “There’s nothing wrong.” I said this kind of thing before I had kids. Now I hang my head in shame over what I said before I knew better. Now when I see parents in this situation, I try to say something like, “It looks like there is nothing we need to treat, but it’s good to make sure.”

2. Busy-Bodies

Other people always seem to know how parents should parent more than the parents themselves. Grandparents are often the worst in this area, but at least they have an excuse. Unsolicited advice is given about what kids should eat, how they dress, how to discipline, and what to do about medical problems.

I face this a lot with bad medical advice. Grandparents remember what their pediatricians told them and assume I am falling down on the job. Babies are given solids at 2-months of age and feet turning in are fretted over despite my best reassurances that there is no need for treatment. I’ve had many parents say that they are not worried, but grandma won’t leave them alone about this.

Its even worse when someone in a restaurant plays the role of “expert,” suggesting that the appropriately chubby 6-month old is becoming obese. Parents can ignore these people easier than their family, but it still casts a seed of doubt that I end up dealing with.

3. The Hairy Eyeball

An 18-Month old is rolling around on the floor screaming at Wal-Mart as the mother futilely tries to calm the cacophony. That’s just what 18-month old children do. It’s developmentally appropriate.

But the looks cast by the other shoppers give say otherwise. They are derisive looks that label the mother as a lousy parent that is going to raise delinquent children. There are even comments like, “If I had ten minutes with that child, they wouldn’t be doing that.” It’s hell for the mother.

I tell parents of children around this age that this is when they are paid back for all the bad thoughts they have had about other peoples’ kids. They grin knowingly. I remember when my oldest was a pleasant 4-month old, we had dinner with friends who had a 15-month old son. The boy spent a good part of the meal screaming, resistant to any attempt to pacify. When we were driving home, my wife and I agreed that our kids would never scream like that.

What a stupid thing to say.

If you have not had a child, be aware that any judgmental thoughts you are having will come back to haunt you. I believe that the gods of toddlers are especially alert to people who speak and think judgmentally and pay them back ten-fold for their ignorance. Don’t tempt these gods.

If you are the parent of an 18-month old, you should just stay out of Wal-Mart.

4. Misleading Simplifications

The word “just” should not be allowed when it comes to parenting. “Just do X and your child will eat right.” “Just discipline like Y and your children will obey.” These statements should be subject to stiff fines and possibly jail time for those who utter them.

Parenting is hard. Some principles are straightforward, but their application is extremely difficult. Many parenting techniques claim that applying simple principles can make parenting easy. This is like saying, “We just need to eliminate poverty,” or “The Israelis and Palestinians should just get along.” The advice may be based on sound ideas, but their simplification of a difficult task can cause big problems, inculding:

Guilt – parents will inevitably have a hard time applying these principles and so will feel like they are ruining their children.
Desire for Quick-Fixes – the idea that the right technique will have quick results makes parents impatient. They try X and it does not work, so they change to Y. If one discipline technique doesn’t yield immediate results, it is abandoned for something else. But there are no quick fixes. Lasting change takes persistence and patience. Kids are stubborn and require the parents to out-stubborn them for change to occur.
Rules over Love – in my view, the best way to get “good kids” is to love them. We all make a gazillion mistakes in parenting, as did our parents, but the kids I have seen turn out good have been the ones whose parents gave a rip about them. Techniques treat kids as objects to be managed, and this tends to look at the world from the parents’ perspective. The best parents I have seen, however, are the ones who put their kids’ needs over their own. The best way to wreck your kids is to be selfish, no matter what technique you use.

So if you are a parent, you have my deepest sympathy. It’s great, but some of what makes it so good is its difficulty. It is unfair that this difficult task has to be done with these added troubles.

If you are not a parent, please take these things to heart. You have absolutely no idea what it is to have kids. If you have bad thoughts towards other people’s kids, just keep them to yourself.

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Andrea

Fantastic post! As a mother of 5 year old twins I hear all sorts of advice, especially from people who do not have multiples. But, also as a parent I had to realize that for the most part (there are exceptions) that people give advice with the best intentions so I smile, nod, say thank you and do what my husband and I think is the best for our children. (Knock on wood, our children are well-mannered and flippin' smart too. You wouldn't believe the flack we caught for not allowing any TV until they were 3 and even to this day, all TV is pre-recorded commerical free cartoons or Discovery Channel things.)

So thank you for creating this post. Just as an aside, I do not go to a pediatrician that had not had children yet. My kids best pediatrician was when they were newborns and preemie. He was roughly 60ish and had grown twin boys. I learned so much from him just by him taking the time to say to me as a new mom - "It's ok, you're not alone. I've been there and you'll find your way too. Call me anytime you need me."

widjaksana

This is an interesting post.

Chrys

I thought this was an excellent post! I don't have children of my own, as you know, but I do know children - of all ages. Fireguy often comments about how babies often seem to pick up on me even from a distance and smile, and they do it makes me chuckle. Parenting is the hardest job on earth, and the most important. I loved your comment to the parents that it's always good to check it out and be sure. It's always better to be safe than sorry. Great post, Rob.

Rachel

BLESS YOU! I have 3 children, all with very different personalities and temperaments. I must say that I have gained a good deal of compassion and tolerance for my fellow parents in the trenches.

I also appreciate you and doctors like you who truly listen to parents. We had quite the scare with our youngest, and the on call pediatrician didn't trivialize my concerns but really listened. Turns out our son had neonatal diabetes- but he's doing great now.

Great post!

Shell

I very quickly learned to ignore advice by well-meaning relatives, babysitters and strangers and (although I was young) follow my instincts with my son. This helped me to relax, and in turn, he relaxed. I've been known to disagree with medical professionals as well. I'm what is known as a "difficult" patient/caregiver because I don't just smile and nod. For better or for worse, the doc sees the kid for 15 minutes at a stretch, whereas I'm his primary caretaker.

My son was almost two when he was admitted for pneumonia and asthma (first episode). That was traumatic for both of us and I got into a disagreement with a nurse at the hospital over how to administer his liquid meds. He was very independent. The easiest way to get him to take medicine was to put in the the med spoon and hand it to him. Was she willing to listen to me, just the mom? Oh no, she insisted on using a syringe which only p*ssed him off and the net result was medicine all over the bed instead of in the kid, and a screaming tot with beathing issues. (Stress anyone?) Once I convinced the nurses that he could be trusted to dose himself with supervision, they let him do it his way, and things were much more pleasant.

Fast forward a couple more ER visits for breathing treatments and I reached out to my insurance company asking for a machine to do this at home. Naturally, the insurance company was delighted as it was cheaper. My son and I were delighted because it was much easier and less stressful to do this at home, as opposed to the chaos of the ER. The insurance company sent a home health nurse to deliver and teach me how to use the machine, proper cleaning, etc., and I must have passed her tests! All the while knowing that if two treatments didn't help, or if his condition worsened, I was to head to the ER immediately. Still independent, he wouldn't allow the mask to be secured around his head, but he was very good at holding it himself. He called it the "get better" stuff.

The kid is now an adult and on his own. I suppose I did something right in trusting my own judgement.

Julianne Idleman

Great post! You should hand it out as people board airlines! You might also enjoy sharing from the folks at Hand in Hand.

Thanks for your support of parents!

tiffany

I loved this post and can relate to so much of what you said! Especially the first point. I cannot tell you how many times I have worried about whether my child is sick enough to see a doctor. I feel stupid if I jump too soon and guilty if I leave it too late. Such a balancing act and it doesn't help when other medical professionals treat me as though I don't know a thing about my child. Why is that? Once I took my daughter into A&E because she was having trouble breathing, the doctor listened to her chest and told me she was as 'clear as a bell' and he should know because he had the most expensive stethoscope out there. I was over reacting because I was a first time mother (also a nurse but I never mention that when I take my kids into the hospital) He sent us home, I didn't stand up for her, didn't advocate for her because I thought perhaps, I was wrong, where she continued to decline. I waited it out until Monday, so we could see her paed, who ordered chest x ray and found that she had raging pneumonia (not moving much air at all really).
I have had many experiences like this, even with my sixth child - immune deficient, just like the first. I think I have gotten better at just letting the doctors have their say without becoming upset by their judgements, although sometimes it still gets to me.

Phew!
Guess I needed to get that off my chest.

Warmsocks

My first child (at age 2) threw a tantrum in the department store. Glares turned to pats-on-the-back when I told the people in line with us that I was sorry for the noise, but I'd told him "no" and I was not going to raise a child who thought he could get his way by throwing a tantrum. Everyone was incredibly supportive - at least to my face. Who knows what they said after we left!

As you point out, childless people know everything about how to raise kids. People with only one child know a lot, too. My friends with 6+ kids (very well behaved), just smile, offer NO suggestions, and say, "Every child is different."

judycolby

So right. Who knew raising kids was so hard until we bring them home from the hospital. Then it only gets better (and harder) with age.

Susan

Wonderful post! This should be handed out with every new-born baby, so it can be copied and passed around to everyone within eyeball reach of said baby. Eventually people might "get it".
Thank you!
Susan
(a Grandma in Canada who doesn't hand out advice unless asked-my kids are way smarter than I am)