On the heels of the last GLA post (which made a certain 8-year old very happy), Jabulani sent the following tweet on Twitter:

Yes, it is my birthday today.  Geezerdome is imminent.

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to have a new contest: Send me you picture depicting “llama man.”  There are three options on doing this,

1. Email them to dr.rob.questions at gmail.com
2. Submit them on the Facebook page for the blog – see the sidebar for the URL (I’m being lazy)
3. Tweet them at me (@doc_rob)

Knowing the creativity of my readers, I am excited to see what you come up with.  THAT will be a fine birthday present.

I bet you thought I forgot about Golden Llamas.

Only kind of sorta. But that is not the case any more. I have had enough time to contemplate, meditate, and obfuscate, and so now I am ready. I am just not sure you are ready.

I know that many of you will be cooking out and socializing this weekend, but for those of you who don’t have any friends (like me) and for those of you who aren’t in the U S of A, consider this your weekend party. It’s nearly as good as a bar-b-q really, and there’s no cleaning up to do when you are finished (plus you don’t have to pretend that uncle Frank’s jokes are funny).

Award 1: DD

The first award goes to the one who inspired me to write this post in the first place. Jabulani, who hosted Zippy over in Great Briton, tweeted the following earlier today: “Was explaining @doc_rob an his llamas to my DD earlier. Just came to my desk and found this:”

It didn’t take a whole lot of deduction on my part to figure out that DD was her husband.  Actually, I have insider info on the fact that DD is in fact a child, but obviously a child with incredibly good taste and far more drawing skill than I could ever muster.

Award 2: DB

The second award goes to one of the first doctors to don the hat of “blogger,”  DB, also known as  Dr. Robert Centor.  He was blogging when the Internet was powered by steam (at least that’s what the rumor mill told me).  Perhaps DB is getting a little cobwebs in the attic, or perhaps he was just gunning for a Golden Llama, but regardless, he said something awfully nice about my post, 10 Rules for Good Medicine.  He wrote: “My quotes and praise do not do this post justice.  I would rate it one of the top 10 blog posts I have ever seen.  Please go clickety click.”

Whoa.  Thanks DB!  That “clickety click” part does make me wonder about the attic, though.  Seriously, he’s one of the premier medical bloggers, so I really appreciate the compliment.

Award 3: TL

The next GLA goes to someone who has been long overdue.  Back when I was just starting my blogging career, I was a nobody.  I had about two visitors per day, with a high percentage of them being from people who were mad I stole their pictures.  But I did have one loyal reader, and this person was the one who was the very first one to comment on my blog: The Laundress.

She was already blogging, and obviously took pity on me.   She doesn’t do much blogging any more, but she did send me a couple of cool llama-related links on Facebook.  I’ll use them in my upcoming novel, “Escape from Llama Mountain.”

Here’s to you, Laundress (as I lift a cup of Clorox).

Award 4: EB (who doesn’t go by EB to my knowledge, but I had to keep the motif going)

The final GLA for this edition goes to Erin Breedlove.  Why, you may ask, am I giving Erin a GLA?  First off, she puts me on her “Follow Friday” list every friday.  Second, she is a pre-medical student who is very very enthusiastic about her future career.  It does us old farts a lot of good to be exposed to that enthusiasm (as opposed to the crotchety cynicism of the rest of the medical blogosphere).  It would do the rest of you good to be exposed to it too.

The final reason Erin merits a GLA is because she lives in my home state of Georgia.  Up to now I have neglected my Peach State bloggers in the GLA realm.  That had to change.  I knew it had to change when I was greeted at the door by a mean-looking state trooper with a message from the governor of our great state, Sonny Perdue (I am not making that up, we have a governor named “Sonny”).  The message said:

Dr. Rob:

I hope this message finds you well.  It sure would be a shame if the officer delivering this message had an accident with his baton and made your wellness not so easy to find.  I am sure that including a blogger from our great state, home of Ted Turner and Oliver Hardy, in your next Golden Llama ceremony.  My good friend Kevin Pho assured me that you would do that.

Sonny (SP) Perdue.

Our governor (the one on the Left)

OK, I give in Mr. Governor.  Yes, we don’t have Arnold as our governor, but our state troupers have been known to have baton accidents at unfortunate times.

There once was a llama of gold
Whose image was one to behold
The bloggers did love it
And unwaveringly covet
So to the new contest entrolled

A haiku is sort-of a poem
Though many who read them don’t know ‘em
The rules are unbending
From start until ending
Just one added word and you blow ‘em

And put these two in combination
And soon you have made a sensation
Just write health haikus
And aim to amuse
And you will earn gold acclimation

And now comes the part that’s unnerving
For lots of them were quite deserving
But I’ll end the drama
And hand out the Llama
But from what I choose I’m not swerving

So as I present my selections
The ones who have won my affection
Look down to the bottom
That’s where I have got ‘em
I sure hope you grasp my directions

The first choice had me singing gaily
By Hillary Gorman Israeli
A Healthcare lament
To put on the vent
The system’s survives only frailly
(1)

The second tells what may undo us
A fine haiku by Leigh St-Louis
“Cold” is her word
Of life uninsured
Oh how the Canadians must view us!
(2)

The third winner now I am tellin’
A reader who’s named Mary Ellen
A likeness so true
‘tween health and haiku
An entry that was quite compellin’
(3)

The next is from good doctor Smack
Who showed that for shame she does lack
Those socks from the llamas
Will match my pajamas
But why not use hair from a yak?
(4)

The final haiku I’m presenting
That Limpens gal who’s unrelenting
She wrote a whole post
But what touched me most
The hours of a life residenting
(5)

But wait, guys, the party’s not ending
For other gold llamas I’m sending
To those who unswerving
Have done things deserving
And so now my rhymes are extending

A nurse named Kim got us united
A medblogger track was farsighted
She got us to Vegas
Not having to beg us
And next year you all are invited

a blogger from far away nation
made blogworld his lone destination
so bongi’s awarded
his praise is accorded
given sans capitalization

And so now this rhyming is ended
My neruons’ last energy spended
Now please stop your crying
And always keep trying
To win a gold llama so splendid

——————————————————–

Haiku winner #1

our healthcare system
is on a ventilator
should we pull the tube?

Haiku winner #2

can’t afford health care.
and can’t move to canada.
situation: cold.

Haiku winner #3

Healthcare like Haiku
law bound and bureaucratic
theories change, rules same

Haiku winner #4

Distractible Mind
If you send me llama hair
I will knit you socks.

Haiku winner #5

Dark when he leaves home,
Dark when he returns from work.
Resident Life.

Yea!!

It’s the time everyone has been waiting for.  I even got a call from Oprah asking if I have chosen the winner (she’s just jealous, you know).  It’s time to give away Golden Llamas!!

Not so fast.  This post won’t actually award the GLA, but instead gives you all of the haikus in their glory (you are just going to have to wait, Oprah).  I am going to award GLA’s in a separate post so I can drag this out as long as possible.

Since there were a lot of them (31, to be exact), I broke the haikus down into categories.  Plus, I just like bossing around poetry.  So here they are:

Category 1: Reform – I originally asked for just haikus on this, but then I chickened out.  Here are the entries that actually followed my instructions:

1. Hillary Gorman Israeli

our healthcare system
is on a ventilator
should we pull the tube?

RL: Excellent poem tying reform to the practice of medicine!

2, 3. Jacqueline Limpens – (Jacqueline wrote a whole post inspired by this contest! She included several entries on Facebook)

Web 2 point ooh tools,
Might help to reform health care.
Change needs people 2

RL:  Clever play on words numbers.

Health Care Reform.
An unaffordable plan?
A matter of choice.

RL:  Referring to the abortion debate?

4. George Bennie

funny ’bout reform
it is health’s new social norm
though it causes storms

RL:  Note that haikus don’t have to rhyme (although there are no points taken off if they do).  This one pulls off the haiku, rhyme, and gives a cogent message.

5. Jenni Smith

The leaves are changing
Healthcare is being reformed
Hell just froze over

RL:  I think it’s premature to say Hell froze over; it’s just a high-pressure system that’s stalled out over purgatory.

6. Leigh Rhiannon Saint-louis

can’t afford health care.
and can’t move to canada.
situation: cold.

RL:  Excellent.  Perhaps the high-pressure system is over Manitoba.

7. Mary Ellen

Healthcare like Haiku
law bound and bureaucratic
theories change, rules same

RL:  I am very impressed at putting reform into haiku and haiku into reform.  Say hi to John Boy.

8. Amy Larsen

sad to be sick now
complicated costly
Please help us Dr. Spock!

RL:  I am not vulcan.

9. Gina Rybolt

Ah, healthcare reform
I know little about this
Thus ends this haiku

RL: That’s kind of cheating, isn’t it?  Just saying “healthcare reform” doesn’t get you in!

9A. Jennifer Dumford

Healthcare reform: porn
You know it when you see it
But can’t define it

RL: I left this one out in my first draft of this post.  It’s really good too.  My goof…

Medical Life - When a lot of medical people write poems, there will inevitably be a bunch about what they do all day.

10. Jacqueline Limpens

Dark when he leaves home,
Dark when he returns from work.
Resident Life.

RL: Yep.  That nails it!

11. Kim McAllister

What is the problem?
Internet search for data.
Holistic hokum.

RL:  Kim gets points for saying “Holistic Hokum.”  That just sounds good when you say it out loud.

12. Ramona Bates – Ramona did her own post inspired by this contest.

Vase broken, skin cut
Glue repairs grandma’s treasures
Blue vase, baby’s cheek

RL:  Baby and vase are both grandma’s treasures.  To those who don’t know, glue is sometimes used to repair lacerations in children (although I prefer duct tape).

13. Jenni Smith

Avoid disaster
Medical billing software
Gets you paid faster

RL:  You should write jingles, Jenni.

14. Neil Bonginkosi Lawrence Taverner

all bleeding does stop
better if the heart does not
tie that sucker off!

RL:  Bongi is always brilliant (except when it comes to capitalization) and doesn’t lower standards on this one.

15. Gina Rybolt

Epi, Levophed
I expertly titrate these
‘Cuz I am your nurse

RL:  Epi and levophed are medications used in the ICU to keep people alive.  This captures the day-to-day life of an ICU nurse.

16, 17. Medrecgal

I’m just a coder
Giving providers headaches
But not on purpose

In the hospital
I’ve seen both perspectives
Patient and coder

RL:  Good pair of haikus about medical coding, a subject that got me on NPR!  The first one sounds like an apology.

18. Jennifer

Slogging through the fluff
Battle for best DRG
Code the chicken scratch

RL:  Good reference to a previous post of mine (Fluff Kills) and a nice haiku to boot!

Blatant Groveling - I have previously made it clear that one way to get a GLA is to beg for it or try to bribe me.  I am not above giving things t0 people who go out of their way to butter me up.  I like butter.  I take it along with my Lipitor every day.

19. Tara Scheck

Distractible Mind
If you send me llama hair
I will knit you socks.

RL:  Tara – the award is a JPG file that has no hair.  Sorry.  I need more socks.

2o. Ken O

Haiku contest is ending
Dr Rob is drinking beer
Return of Llamatron*

* Llamatron is an 8-bit computer game, published by Jeff Minter’s Llamasoft company in the UK, back in the 1980s.

RL: Kudos to Ken for introducing my readers to the Llamatron.  You only get that kind of thing here, folks.

21. Peggy, RN

Dr. Rob, cool dude
Llamas, aardvarks and haiku
Poetic & odd

RL:  Blatant, over the top and…well, thanks!  ”Poetic and Odd” may end up as my life purpose.

Opinionated – Some folks couldn’t keep from voicing strong opinion, and I am fine with this. It makes me diaphoretic and a bit nauseated to voice my opinions like they do, but it’s OK to have opinions (as long as they don’t disagree with mine in some pea-brained way).  I won’t comment on them because…uh, my hands shake too much when I try.

22. Jacqueline Limpens

One trillion for war.
The poor denied insurance.
U.S. Death Panel.

23. Susan Schwartz

Let’s hope the Senate
Can help defeat this outrage.
Go, Joe Lieberman!

Humorous - Humor is something I am vaguely familiar with.  Once I had my third beer, I laughed hard at the following haikus:

24. #1 Dinosaur

*Yawn* Been there, done that.
Didn’t I win this last year?
(Thanks for the llama.)

RL: Dino’s haiku won her a GLA and is proudly posted on the front page of this blog for all to see.  She is getting pretty cocky, though.  I hope I don’t get that smug when I write my book.

25. Kim

WORK for the Llama?
No one ever told me THAT.
Thinking of haiku

RL: Kim captures the essence of writing something that basically says nothing.  That is a staple of this blog.

Huh? – Finally is a group of haikus that made me scratch my head.  I have a feeling it has to do with the density of the skull under my itch, but I just had a hard time figuring them out.

26. Catherine Fairchild Calhoun

If you give away
the milk for free who will buy
the cow (and llama).

RL:  This was inspired by this article in the NY times.  I think I am just being dense on this one, so can you please explain?

27. Lael Stimers Beckwith

I don’t want to pay
More than healthcare costs because
The “Man” can’t keep track.

RL:  I guess I would understand it better if I knew who the “Man” is.  Is it Richard Simmons?

28. Tanja Cilia

Snake oil, fish livers;
Antibiotics, asp’rin..?.
One and the same thing!

RL: I actually understand this one…I think.  I just wonder about telling a doctor that antibiotics and aspirin are like snake oil.

29. Catherine Fairchild Calhoun

When strangers in O
Canada offer to home
my sick son think hcrwtf.

RL:  Catherine’s son BB has a chronic genetic disorder.  I understand this one perfectly.  I just don’t quite know how to pronounce that last word.

30. Leslie Brockway

Stop the wastefulness
While jobs lost not an issue
Feds might hire one more

RL: Hire one more?  Which one?  I probably shouldn’t have had that third beer.

31. Cerulean Bill

Smiling politicos promise ,
The Grim Reaper cares
Not.

RL:  Perhaps the people in Cerulea have different rules about haiku, but this one goes 8-6-1 (which I think was the record of the Chicago Bears last year).

32. Jonathan Lamberts

Healthcare reform is
good for the people and stuff.
Llama llama yay.

RL:  I don’t know who this Jonathan person is, but he seems quite the scholar.  I am sure he’s doing quite well in college (He had better be).

That’s all of them.  Let me know what you think and if you are in the “Huh” category, please help me.  This shows that I am clearly writing up to my readers, as they are quite smart and talented people.

Thanks to all who participated!

If you got a bunch of gunk in your reader yesterday, it was because I tried a new plugin and I guess I didn’t understand it.  If you enjoyed getting all of that in your reader, then you are welcome.  Here’s a haiku to express my emotions about this:

I am so sorry
About the gunk I sent you
Sometimes I’m a dope

Speaking of haikus, the contest is coming to an end.  Submit your haikus and over the weekend I will judge them.  There are so many good entries that I am not certain how I will decide.  Here’s a haiku to express my emotions on this:

Contest is Ending
Ingenious haikus abound
Need to buy more beer.

Yes, I’ll have to have beer while I judge this so I won’t get too stressed out.  You  guys have clearly outdone yourselves.  Here’s a haiku to express how I feel about that:

Wow, those haikus rocked
Even ones without llamas
Were really quite good

But I do sometimes worry about you guys.  Here’s a haiku I wrote about that:

My Readers are great
May need psychiatric help
Trauma from my blog

And finally, here is a haiku I wrote that comes from my heart.  I have really strong emotions sometimes, and verse is the only way I can express it:

Orange Julius
Power Puff Girls and Gumby
Flew to Oregon

I hope that touches you like it did me.

The congressional Golden Llama Committee is called to order, his honorable congressman Paul Ryan presiding

Ryan (R-WI): Welcome back from your August vacation, fellow committee members.  I hope the town hall meetings about the Golden llamas were not too raucous in your district.

(Laughs from committee members and the large gallery at the proceedings)

Ryan:  We are here again to discuss who merits a Golden Llama award.  As a personal note, I think that Golden Llamas should be a right all Americans can enjoy.  It is basic and fundamental, and consistent with the views of our founding fathers, that Americans should have access to the honor and prestige this award brings.

Joe Wilson (R-SC): YOU LIE!  YOU LIE!

Ryan:  Not yet, Mr. Wilson.  You are supposed to do that when the Democrats talk.

Max Baucus (D-Mont): With all due respect, Mr. Ryan, we as a committee have yet to produce anything except an excessive amount of press coverage.  We need to move on to the task at hand and stop the partisan bickering.

Wilson: YOU LIE!  YOU LIE!

Ryan:  Good boy, Joe.  OK, now we need to consider the candidates for this award as outlined in the speech by President Obama.

Wilson: YOU LIE!  YOU LIE!

Ryan:  Enough, Mr. Wilson.  We need to get this moving or the blog post will go on forever.  Readers only have so much patience for this, you know.  Here to present the nominees is Vice President Joe Biden.  Mr. vice president?

Biden:  Thank you, Mr. Chairman.  In conjunction with the opinion of the American public, the CDC, and the capricious whims of an unnamed blogger, the current names have been put forth as worthy recipients for the coveted Golden Llama Award:

The first recipient is Gary, who submitted the following title for the caption contest: “Borat to Bruno: I am hearing healthcare is really not in America.”

(Guffaws erupt in the meeting hall)

The second is Middle Aged Lady (no link provided), who clearly was enraptured by the picture, writing:

• “Gosh – you’re a hottie!”
• “Well I KNEW which one you were and you’re still a hottie!!!!!”

Audience and committee: Awwwww, how nice.

Ryan:  Yes, flattering Dr. Rob is a sure-fire way to get a GLA.

Biden:  We are struggling with Lindsey, who said the following:

• “Dr. Rob, no witty caption to share… but you’re older than I thought you were.  I guess I was deceived because your blog is hip, fly and trendy.”
• (After saying that she Googled and found out the guy on the left was Ryan):  ”Hold on there, you’re assuming I was referring to Congressman Ryan as being the hottie.
  And yes, your assumption would be right. But hey, you’re old enough to be my cool, hip & trendy dad so it would be weird to refer to you as a hottie.”
• “Well, all joking aside, I think you’re still cool, hip, trendy AND fly.
  I better stop now while my point count is still in the trillions.”

Ryan:  She thought I was a hottie?  I clearly think she should get a GLA.  She is clearly a very intelligent person.

Baucus:  I was going to say the opposite, Mr. Ryan.  With all due respect, the American public prefers the distinguished look of a man with a beard, not the baby-faced expression you have.  She clearly is doing some sort of drug.

Henry Waxman (D-CA): Mr. Ryan, is it true that you use performance-enhancing hair products?

Ryan:  That is out of order, Mr. Waxman.  I have always said that I would undergo routine urine testing to prove my innocence.

Wilson: YOU LIE!  YOU LIE!

(Wilson is hit with a tranquilizer dart and falls forward, unconscious)

Ryan:  Thank you, Mr. Cheney.  Mr. Biden, what is the recommendation of the president?

Biden:  President Obama assures you that he does not intend to socialize the GLA but feels that increased government involvement is imperative to keep Dr. Rob honest.

Ryan:  Meaning?

Biden:  He said we should flip a coin.  (Flips a coin).  Your call, Mr. Ryan.

Ryan:  I have to call heads.  It’s about the hair, isn’t it?

Biden:  Heads it is.  She’s in.

(Applause from the audience)

Biden:  There is one more from the blog post, and then there is a special consideration award.  The last commenter to get a GLA is another without a link, named Chloe.  Chloe made the observation that you, Mr. Ryan, look an awful lot like the Avatar for the House Call Doctor.  Please refer to the following picture to see this marked similarity.

(Meeting room erupts with gasps followed by shouts, press correspondents scribbling notes frantically.)

Ryan:  ORDER!  ORDER IN THE MEETING HALL!

(Commotion stops suddenly when there is a sudden gunshot.  A man stands with a rifle aimed at the ceiling, grinning).

Ryan:  Thank you, Mr. Cheney.

Baucus:  Mr. Ryan, with all due respect, how do you explain the incredible likeness?  I am afraid this may require a full investigation.

Ryan:  I deny that I had any part in the choosing of this avatar, but you definitely see why this podcast is gaining popularity.  What a fine-looking guy!

Wilson:  YOU LIE!  YOU LIE!

Biden:  Mr. Ryan, I suggest you stay away from all public transit for a while.  This image definitely will ignite a panic among the general population.  Can we move to the last nominee?

Ryan:  Please!  This blog post is going on forever.

Biden: The last award is somewhat unprecedented.  It is being awarded to a previous award-winner.

(Murmuring begins in the audience, but stops immediately with a sharp glance from Mr. Cheney)

Biden:  The last award goes to Cerulian Bill.

Ryan:  Why is he being awarded this for a second time?  Doesn’t that increase the gap between the haves and have-nots?  I would think Mr. Obama would oppose this nomination.

Biden:  He did, but Dr. Rob negotiated with him, allowing him to have previews on upcoming podcasts in exchange for this second award.  Dr. Rob feels fairly strongly Bill deserves it.

Ryan:  For what?

Biden:  He sent Dr. Rob a funny llama camel picture.  Observe the following:

(Loud laughter fills the chamber.  Even the former Vice President cannot contain himself and, while doubled-over in laughter, he almost shoots the ear off of a friend)

Ryan: (Having difficulty talking through his own giggles) I can see why Dr. Rob insisted.  Shucks.  Nothing brings joy to the heart of man like a funny camel (or llama) picture.

Baucus: That is something that has bipartisan support.

(Audience claps loudly.  As they do, a page whispers in Mr. Ryans ear).

Ryan:  (Banging gavel)  There seems to be a last-minute nomination.  I am not sure what the legality of this is, but Betsy McCaughey is here to explain.

McCaughey:  Thank you Mr. Chairman.  I am here to put forth an alternative choice for llama pictures.  If you read Dr. Rob’s blog carefully, you will see that he talks a lot about political issues, including the threat from “Death Panels.”  He has just obtained undeniable evidence that this will not only be the case, but that llamas will be involved.  Another reader named Bill (not of the Cerulian persuasion) submitted the following picture that appears on Time Magazine’s website:

(Gasps from the audience and shouts from committee members drown out any attempt to regain order).

Dr. Rob:  Congratulations to winners.  You may pick up your logo to display on your blog by emailing me.

It’s your golden opportunity!  You can earn a Golden Llama award and make fun of me in the process.  Above is a picture of me with congressman Ryan at the Putting Patients First meeting in Washington DC.  Clearly Mr. Ryan is thrilled to meet “The Hulk Hogan of Medical Bloggers.”

But what are we actually laughing about?  What is so enjoyable?  I have no idea; so your guess is as good as mine.  But your guess could win you a Golden Llama Award!

Good Luck!

The assignment was to supply a caption to the above.  Well done, folks!  Thanks for all the submissions.  Here are some notable ones:

• “And you thought William Tell had it tough…” – Dr Dredd
• “You light up my life.” – Susan C
• “I can make you quit smoking in ONE SHOT.”   – Jean
• “Hey Hit it Here!” – Heather
• “Sure..go ahead…check it out…heh, heh… I’LL teach him NOT to smoke…ready…aim…. !!!”  - Seaspray
• “There were surprisingly few takers for the One Step Smoking Cessation Class, that year.”  - Bill
• “Safer than smoking!”  - Webhill

The four that I found exceptional (no offense to the others, but this IS a contest) were:

• “This image was captured just seconds before a Lucky Strikes ad campaign took a tragic turn.”- J (who seems a little short-changed in the name department)
• “As part of the agency’s new role in overseeing tobacco, FDA leaders literally take aim at smokers. They believe if this strategy doesn’t work, nothing will.”- Medical Mom
• “Don’t worry. Dr. Oz said I should challenge myself, and if I make this shot I will feel almost as successful as Oprah!” - Qkwan
• “WARNING: The Surgeon General has determined that smoking while sitting between an archer and a bulls-eye may be hazardous to your health.” – D Porter

So now the tension mounts.  Who wins the Golden Llama Award?  I actually find this part rather difficult, as these are all quite creative.  I thought J’s submission was very clever, as he/she/it played on the brand “Lucky Strike.”  Medical mom played on the idea of “taking aim.”  Qkwan gave a nod to the fact that I have been a little obsessed with Oprah lately (and mentioned her and Oz in the post itself).  D Porter made fun of the obvious nature of the warnings on cigarette boxes, stating something that was equally obvious to the warnings that are on them now.

This is tough, but I have to give the nod to J.  Congratulations, J!  I hope you find the rest of your name at some point in time.

But here’s the rub: J is not only lacking in vowels and consonants, but doesn’t seem to have a web page on which to display the award.  If he/she/it has one, then I will certainly let he/she/it have the logo to post proudly.  But the award itself has to be given (which is a bunch of HTML gobbledygook), so I will also award a Golden Llama to Medical Mom, who can post the award with head held high.

Now, I also give out GLA’s to people for other acts deserving of recognition.  Here are my awards based on other criteria that are scientifically derived through painstaking research and analysis.  No, actually they are totally subjective.  It’s my award, and I can give it to whomever I want!  Here are my other awards:

• For helping me through a feline asthmatic attack (my cat had a bout of asthma, not me) and canine foot laceration (again, the dog got it, not me), I give an award to @Webhill, who is a veterinarian and has supported me through twitter.
• For saying very nice things about me on her website and then putting up with my skittishness about sharing medical records, Trisha Torrey gets a Golden Llama.  I am always honored when patient advocates say nice things.
• Along the same lines, Bill also put me on his very small list of doctors he doesn’t think are dopes.  That may not be put quite right, because many of you like me precisely because I am a dope.  Thanks, Bill!
• Finally, I want to personally thank Warm Socks (named after her need for the clothing item due to her Raynaud’s disease) for the incredibly nice email she sent to me.  It is very nice to feel like you are not just blogging for yourself, but are really helping people.

What about the podcast?  I have now written nine and recorded five.  Expect the big roll-out to be in mid-July.  It’s a little hard to get used to listening to myself talking, but others who have heard some of them say I sound fine.  It’s also hard to read without sounding like you are reading a script.  I think I do better in the later recordings.  Here is the avatar they have assigned me.

This looks nothing like me, but they say none of them do.  I am sure this is scientifically shown to increase my ratings.  Either that or it will just make the chicks dig me more.

Again, thanks to all of those who participated in the contest, and thank you to all who read my ramblings.

Are you coveting some fame?  Are you desiring some recognition?  Do you want out of the doldrums of your drab existence?  Are you getting tired of watching the Wheel of Fortune Network?  Has Oprah sent hit squads to shut down your dissenting opinion due to your disbelief in her all-knowing will for your life?

Today may just be what you were looking for!  It’s once again time to engage the intelligent and creative readers of this blog in a contest of wits.  OK… you don’t have to be intelligent or creative; you just have to know how to type.  Well, I suppose you could get someone else to type for you… I don’t want to discriminate against people with no arms.

This is harder than I thought it was.

OK, let’s show Oprah what we’re made of and that we can live our lives without Dr. Oz.

Here is your photo:

Good luck.  The winner(s) will be awarded the coveted Golden Llama Award.

Image Credit (1)  (2)

I am superstitious.  On every Friday the 13th I am very anxious until I counteract the unluckiness of the day with a llama.  If I don’t, then all heck breaks loose; and you know how bad a little heck can be, much less all of it.

So I hope this brings you luck as well.

I will now hand out some more of the coveted Golden Llama Awards.

The first award goes to Nick Genes, the former grand poobah of grand rounds and author of the runaway sensation Blogborygmi.  As some of you know, I left my Ipod in a cab in New York.  After going through a period of severe agitation, high blood pressure, and plaque build-up, I resigned myself to life without this Ipod – and started shopping for another.  Much to my amazement, however, I got a call from my Cabbie (I had filed a lost and found report) who said he found it, but needed to get it to someone in NYC.  So I went to my Gmail account and there was a big green dot next to Nick’s name, meaning he was available for chat.

The following chat ensued:

2:10 PM me: Nick?

Nicholas: Robert!

me: Sorry about the fire (call me Rob, by the way)

2:11 PM I need a favor.

Nicholas: ok

2:12 PM me: I left my Ipod on a cab, and the cabbie just called me and says he has it. I need someone in NYC to pick it up and send to me.

I will pay (obviously)

Nicholas: that’s amazing

me: Yes.

Nicholas: HE CALLED YOU

?

I have to be a part of this

me: Yes. I put in the request on 311

2:13 PM He just called me on my cell.

2:14 PM Nicholas: where do i need to go

me: His # is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Tell him it is about the ipod that Robert Lamberts left in his cab. I think he will deliver it to you. I will set up with fedex for you to get it sent.

2:15 PM Nicholas: great

i have heard about cellos and wedding gifts being forgotten in cabs

but assumed stuff like ipods would just get snatched

2:16 PM me: How could you leave a Cello?

Nicholas: yo yo ma did

http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9F03E5DC1639F934A25753C1A96F958260

me: He says it was so dark that none of his other riders saw it. He found it when he was cleaning up.

Nicholas: hmm

now, I support patient confidentiality

2:17 PM BUT

i am also a little curious

as to what’s on your machine

me: Feel free. Its a large gamut. I have a bunch of Audible books – I like Sci Fi

Nicholas: hmmmm

2:18 PM me: No embarrassing pics.

2:19 PM Let me know when you get it and where you want it picked up. I also want to get the Cabby a reward somehow.

Nicholas: yes

how to proceed? I’ll call that number.

2:20 PM me: Yes. Email me with a progress report. Thanks a ton!

2:21 PM Nicholas: it’s pretty amazing. will keep you posted

me: Thanks!

16 minutes

2:38 PM Nicholas: i’m twittering this because it’s too funny

9:28 PM Nicholas: SUCCESS

PS

You have a dentist appointment tomorrow

me: I just can’t believe it.

The dentist appointment, that is

9:29 PM OK – Where should I set the pickup?

9:30 PM Nicholas:

I can just fedex it to you

there’s spots all over the neighborhood

me: I’ll pay.

9:31 PM Nicholas: no worries

it would be more convenient than to arrange a pickup I think

me: You’ll get a golden llama award for this one.

Nicholas: oh my

this just keeps getting better and better

what’s you’re address

your

me: 222 Llama Lane

9:32 PM Augusta, GA

No, I can’t get you tickets…

Everyone says that when they see I live in Augusta.

4 Miles from the National

9:33 PM Nicholas: um, thanks ok (golf = not my thing)

me: Me neither.

9:34 PM I just need it by Friday – I am going to Chicago and would be lost without it on a trip.

9:35 PM Nicholas: I’ll send it in the AM and it should arrive by Wed no prob, I suspect

and then you are sending me a llama is that correct

are llamas very large? I have a 1-bedroom

9:36 PM me: The Award…check it out on my blog. http://distractible.org/golden-lllama-award/

It’s much coveted.

Nicholas: I am job-hunting and this could go on my CV

me: You’d be a shoe-in.

9:37 PM Thanks a billion.

Gotta kill a cockroach in my daughter’s bathroom.

Nicholas: oh

ok

good luck

that’s another thing an iPod is handy for

9:38 PM me: They call them “Palmetto bugs” down here – it doesn’t make them less nasty.

When the iPod arrived a couple of days later, it came with a CD in it, called “Music for a Distractible Mind,” with the following songs on it:

1. Can’t Find my Way Home    Blind Faith
2. Everything in its Right Place    Radiohead
3. Hidden Place    Bjorn
4. Leaving New York    R.E.M
5. Lost and Found    Taken By Trees
6. Lost Cause    Beck
7. Lost my Driving Wheel    Cowboy Junkies
8. Nearly Lost You    Screaming Trees
9. New York State of Mind    Billy Joel
10. Remind Me    Royksopp
11. Shattered    Rolling Stones
12. St. Elsewhere    Gnarls Barkley
13. Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For    U2

So you see, not only did he send me back my beloved iPod, he sent me some pretty good music.  Thanks Nick; you get a GLA and a beer the next time I am in NYC.

The next GLA goes to Roy, of Shrink Rap fame.  Roy happened to write the 3000th approved comment on this blog.  Since I don’t have a huge check or balloons and confetti to use, I will give him a Llama instead.

Finally, I can’t pass up someone who resorted to major league flattery (it works, you know).  Medrecgal wrote the following after a comment on a post:

And Dr. Rob, I totally LOVE your blog…because even when you’re musing about the headaches of coding and the technicalities of the government system, you still write like a nice guy. Something tells me that I wouldn’t have to ever worry about getting nasty responses from you if I worked in your system IRL, even if I am just an outpatient coder. And sometimes the humor gives me a good laugh, too! (At times I sense an inner “Goofy” hiding under that white coat, which is so cool!)

I would say inner “Goofy” may be an understatement (more like “blatant childishness”), but the flattery is so nice that I can’t let that good deed go unrewarded.  I don’t wear a white coat, by the way.

So I hope this day is now lucky for you all.  Me?  I am going to figure out a way to fix that mirror I broke.